Hello, and my welcome to my inaugural post on this
wonderful...thingamyjig. Thanks to Ren for inviting me to contribute. I
hope I can provide some entertaining diversions for you all. When I was
thinking of what to write about, I asked myself: What are my passions?
Fine art? No. Opera? No. Crappy video games that no-one else wants to
play and that have been lost to the sands of time? Yes! And so, without
further ado, I present to you:
Obscure Video Games #1: 'Time Commando'.
I picked up Time Commando for about 5 pounds for my first PC around 2000/2001.
At the time, I didn't have an internet connection, so any time spent on
my computer was spent playing games, and I spent a LOT of time on it.
Hence, my video-game playing habits were hard to satisfy and I searched
far and wide for games to feed my addiction. 'Time Commando' was
developed by the French group Adeline Software, who you may recognise as
the creators of the wonderfully innovative and intriguing adventure game
'Little Big Adventure'. I had played and finished this game on
Playstation previously to playing Time Commando, but was unaware of the
connection when I stumbled across our current subject.
Let me introduce you to the story of 'Time Commando', as I remember it
today, not having played the game in many years. First of all; a guy
creates a time machine. Clearly, this means that this fellow is among the
greatest minds that have ever graced our planet. But, alas, he is also a
murdering psychopath. What would be the most noble use of a time machine?
Righting the wrongs of history? Saving the Earth from its inescapable
annihilation owing to humankinds rampant abuse and ignorance? No,
apparently, it is to travel back to the various epochs of human
civilisation and blow shit up. No, I'm not being facetious, the object of
this game is to travel through time, to the Stone Age, The Roman Empire,
The Middle Ages, The Wild West, The Present Day, The Future, and destroy
everything in sight. Unfortunately, now that I do some research on the
game, it turns out there is in fact some paper-thin plot involving the
MILITARY and an EVIL CORPORATION who create a virus that threatens to
"swallow the world", according to wikipedia, and not simply a homicidal
maniac who enjoys time-travel and murder on a never-before witnessed
scale. Ah well, let's pretend my version of things is true.
Our hero is 'Stanley Opar', a character so lacking in personality that he
can only be described as 1/4 dimensional. Stanley Opar is basically skin
and bones in a yellow spandex jumpsuit. As far as I remember he never
utters a word throughout the game, just goes on his merry way, killing
here, maiming there, and generally causing untold amounts of mayhem and
bodily harm. Nice guy, eh?
Now, just to clarify; I may sound dreadfully condescending and cynical
about the whole thing, BUT: the reason I write about this game today is
that it is fucking great fun to play. 'Time Commando' excels in the sheer
amount of cool shit you get to do throughout the game. Fight Sumo
wrestlers in Feudal-era Japan? Check. Throw rocks at cavemen? Check. Take
out annoying roller-skaters with grenades? Check. Fight Nazis? Check. (Ok, pretty much every shooter ever made lets you do this, but who doesn't
enjoy blowing up Nazis now and again?) Ok, I just checked the wikipedia
page and apparently, the last boss of the game is a FUCKING SHARK WITH
ROBOTIC LEGS IN A SPACEMAN'S HELMET TO KEEP IT HYDRATED.
I'm guessing the reason I don't remember this is because my mind was blown by the
unadultarated awesomeness of this idea. A robotic shark in a space suit?
I'm pretty sure humankind can rest easy now that we have reached pure
perfection. No words of mine can do justice to the insanity of whoever
came up with that idea. Adeline Software: I salute you.
In summing up, I would like to quote a random review I found on the web:
"Try this and become a Time Commando under your Wondows."
Yes. Yes, indeed.
Screenshots:
wonderful...thingamyjig. Thanks to Ren for inviting me to contribute. I
hope I can provide some entertaining diversions for you all. When I was
thinking of what to write about, I asked myself: What are my passions?
Fine art? No. Opera? No. Crappy video games that no-one else wants to
play and that have been lost to the sands of time? Yes! And so, without
further ado, I present to you:
Obscure Video Games #1: 'Time Commando'.
I picked up Time Commando for about 5 pounds for my first PC around 2000/2001.
At the time, I didn't have an internet connection, so any time spent on
my computer was spent playing games, and I spent a LOT of time on it.
Hence, my video-game playing habits were hard to satisfy and I searched
far and wide for games to feed my addiction. 'Time Commando' was
developed by the French group Adeline Software, who you may recognise as
the creators of the wonderfully innovative and intriguing adventure game
'Little Big Adventure'. I had played and finished this game on
Playstation previously to playing Time Commando, but was unaware of the
connection when I stumbled across our current subject.
Let me introduce you to the story of 'Time Commando', as I remember it
today, not having played the game in many years. First of all; a guy
creates a time machine. Clearly, this means that this fellow is among the
greatest minds that have ever graced our planet. But, alas, he is also a
murdering psychopath. What would be the most noble use of a time machine?
Righting the wrongs of history? Saving the Earth from its inescapable
annihilation owing to humankinds rampant abuse and ignorance? No,
apparently, it is to travel back to the various epochs of human
civilisation and blow shit up. No, I'm not being facetious, the object of
this game is to travel through time, to the Stone Age, The Roman Empire,
The Middle Ages, The Wild West, The Present Day, The Future, and destroy
everything in sight. Unfortunately, now that I do some research on the
game, it turns out there is in fact some paper-thin plot involving the
MILITARY and an EVIL CORPORATION who create a virus that threatens to
"swallow the world", according to wikipedia, and not simply a homicidal
maniac who enjoys time-travel and murder on a never-before witnessed
scale. Ah well, let's pretend my version of things is true.
Our hero is 'Stanley Opar', a character so lacking in personality that he
can only be described as 1/4 dimensional. Stanley Opar is basically skin
and bones in a yellow spandex jumpsuit. As far as I remember he never
utters a word throughout the game, just goes on his merry way, killing
here, maiming there, and generally causing untold amounts of mayhem and
bodily harm. Nice guy, eh?
Now, just to clarify; I may sound dreadfully condescending and cynical
about the whole thing, BUT: the reason I write about this game today is
that it is fucking great fun to play. 'Time Commando' excels in the sheer
amount of cool shit you get to do throughout the game. Fight Sumo
wrestlers in Feudal-era Japan? Check. Throw rocks at cavemen? Check. Take
out annoying roller-skaters with grenades? Check. Fight Nazis? Check. (Ok, pretty much every shooter ever made lets you do this, but who doesn't
enjoy blowing up Nazis now and again?) Ok, I just checked the wikipedia
page and apparently, the last boss of the game is a FUCKING SHARK WITH
ROBOTIC LEGS IN A SPACEMAN'S HELMET TO KEEP IT HYDRATED.
I'm guessing the reason I don't remember this is because my mind was blown by the
unadultarated awesomeness of this idea. A robotic shark in a space suit?
I'm pretty sure humankind can rest easy now that we have reached pure
perfection. No words of mine can do justice to the insanity of whoever
came up with that idea. Adeline Software: I salute you.
In summing up, I would like to quote a random review I found on the web:
"Try this and become a Time Commando under your Wondows."
Yes. Yes, indeed.
Screenshots:
(Stanley decides to fuck up a Sumo Wrestler's shit, not realising that huge-ass swords aren't really considered appropriate in Sumo wrestling)
(Stanley attempts to recreate the opening of '2001: A Space Odyssey' with some cavemen)
(Stanley prepares to be blown away by some badly-animated Nazis, cursing the programmers who were only able to animate him aiming in one direction)
